Music Review

Banjo Funktucky

Banjo Funktucky (née  Nigiri Takeyoshi) follows up his well-received debut album, “Somethin’ Definitely Smells Like Eggs”, with a hard-hitting, game-changer.   “Gon’ Murder That Puss” is a power-house of boot-stomping banjo virtuosity.  Soulful lyrics that hearken back to a naïve Billy Ray Cyrus fresh off the bus and complicated arpeggios that might have been birthed from the mind of Béla Bartók had he had the good sense to be born in Memphis.  Don’t miss it. A-

Side A

1. Gon’ Murder That Puss    

2. Eggs Over-E-Z, Legs Over-Me-Z

3. Nice to Meet Ya.  I Think One Time You Fucked A Friend Of Mine

4. The Ol’ Beefstink Skindleflint

5. This Whiskey Thinks You’re Fat

Side B

1. Dirty Danny’s Fuck-Truck

2. Gross…Well, How About A Blow-job?

3. Won’t You Wear This Wig, Doreen?

4. The Mucky-Shucky-Thrusty

5. A Monkey Makes A Bad Pet

6. Ma’am, Yer Canyon’s Just Too Wide


Plants That Murder


The Lux Roseo Simia Homicida is a West African flower that secretes a tryptophan-rich banana-pudding-substance which is a delicacy for orangutans.  After consuming handfuls of the sweet ambrosia, the orangutan quickly succumbs to the potent sleep-inducing chemicals present and falls into a deep slumber.  The aggressive flower then violently tears off all the orangutan’s appendages and drains all of the internal organs and fluids by holding the torso aloft and shaking it repeatedly until intestines, liver, and pancreas come shuuuk-glopping out into it’s gaping maw. Continuing, the ravenous blossom scrapes out the brain, eyeballs, and assorted head-glands. It’s initial hunger sated, it then waves the dismembered orangutan arms around, making jokes like, “Look at me, I’m a meth-crazed truck-driver DOOT! DOOT!” or “Park that 747 over here, Fly-Boy.” while pretending to be a union air-traffic controller for his flower friends, which still makes them laugh, no matter how many times they’ve seen it.

Derek and Clint – Sea Anemones #1


Clint: Can you look and see if my abs are more defined?

Derek: No. (continues reading Stonewall Jackson: Dixie Legend)

Clint: It’ll just take a minute. (Takes off T-shirt)  Here…

Derek: I’m not looking at you without a shirt on to evaluate your body, dude.  It’s weird.

Clint: I’ve been working side-crunches to get my external obliques really ripped.

Derek: Hey, great.  I couldn’t be less interested and I don’t know what your abs looked like before so…

Clint: Yeah, heh-heh, well, I’m pretty sure they were less defined (flexes)……(Grunts)….can you just look up from…(Grunts)…your stupid Civil War book for like a second and check?

Derek: No.  I’m not comfortable looking at your body in that way ever.  Buy a mirror.

Clint:  Whatever, man!!  You’re just jealous of how fuckin’ shredded I am!  (Puts shirt back on.)  I guess it’s true…”Haters gon’ hate.”

Derek: That’s a profound axiom, Clint.

Clint: YOU’RE a profound axiom………… your profound axiom FACE!!!

Derek: Mmmmmm…well, now you’re just trying to hurt my feelings.


Corporate Retreat Team-Building Exercise


Senior Accounts Manager, Derek Restsun (Raccoon Lord):  Ok, now you sit here, Thomas.  You represent The Fire of Life, the Human Spirit and Creativity.

Assistant Executive Liaison, Thomas Dempth (The Fire):  I do?!  Oh, great -sits- I always wanted to be someth…

Senior Accounts Manager, Derek Restsun (Raccoon Lord):  Silence!!…..Let us begin…Beasts of the Darkness!  Raise up now your sticks that we may put The Fire out…

Assistant Executive Liaison, Thomas Dempth (The Fire): Uhmmm, you guys, time-out for a second here, what exactly do you mean “put The Fire out”?

VP of Marketing, Chad Ciesel (High-Priest Owl):  When The Fire no longer serves The Holy Profit, we must see that it is…..extinguished…responsibly.

Accounting Staff Members, Carole Paglione, Stacy Demtheiler, Norma Brusen (Turtle Guardians): (Chanting) Ita fit ignis, et sic ignis redit ad Satan atro Dominum nostrum…

Assistant Executive Liaison, Thomas Dempth (The Fire): -tries to stand, but is firmly re-seated by Acolyte Otter- Hey, whoa!! Wait!!  Look, I’m all for Corporate Team-Building, but…is this because I wouldn’t do the Trust-Fall exercise?!  I really do have a lumbar condition…

Accounting Staff Members, Carole Paglione, Stacy Demtheiler, Norma Brusen (Turtle Guardians): (Chanting): Non curo vestri lumborum conditione…

Senior Accounts Manager, Derek Restsun (Raccoon Lord):  Commence the extinguishing!!…(strikes The Fire on the head repeatedly with his stick, High-Priest Owl, Minion Skunk, and Acolyte Otter smite him about the legs and torso as the Turtle Guardians join hands and amplify their chant.  The Fire screams for mercy, escalating to an ear-piercing volume, then quickly weakening until his bludgeoned, crumpled body is completely still in an ever-widening pool of blood.  The Turtle Guardians move in quickly to feast on his flesh and internal organs while Acolyte Otter shamefully attempts to hide the sticky remnants of his now ebbing tumescence.

Senior Accounts Manager, Derek Restsun (Raccoon Lord):  -smiling, hands Acolyte Otter a wet-nap- O.K., great job, Team!! -claps briefly- way to work together.  I think we’re gonna have a great fiscal quarter now.  Let’s take 10, grab some coffee and snack-treats, and then make your way to the Radisson Conference ballroom.  We’ve got a surprise keynote-speaker from corporate and you are definitely gonna want to bring a highlighter.